


The Light in My Life

by ardentaislinn



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M, I'm so sorry, This is really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-20
Updated: 2014-04-20
Packaged: 2018-01-20 03:27:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1494856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardentaislinn/pseuds/ardentaislinn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: CS - "The Fault in Our Stars"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Light in My Life

Emma checked her watch, allowing the voice of the speaker to fade into the background of her mind. Thirty minutes to go. She knew she should be listening. After all, _they_ all listened when it was her time to speak, though that was rare. But if she listened to these people speak about their hopes and fears and darkest moments she would start to care. And that was something she couldn’t afford.

Most of the people in this room were at various stages of dying, herself included. She didn’t want to make friends and become invested, only to have them leave her like everyone else had ever done.

Worse, she didn’t want to be the person that left people behind, grieving and broken.

So, Emma attended these support sessions and gained the comfort of having other people that understood and shared her experiences, without any of the detrimental emotional attachments.

The speaker finished and before the next one began she ducked out. If anyone were to ask she was going to the bathroom, but of course no one did.

She made it out into the fresh air and took some deep breaths. Some days it was the little things that kept her feeling alive. The sensation of the breeze on her face and cool air in her lungs was one of them.

It took her a moment to notice him.

He was leaning against the wall a few metres from her, apparently playing some kind of game on his phone. He hadn’t noticed her yet – was too absorbed in his technology.

Her usual instinct to flee any social interaction was muted by the realisation that he was the most attractive person she had ever seen in real life.

He was tall, with thick dark hair and the kind of stubble that just made her want to run her fingers over it. Emma had never had such a visceral reaction to a person before. Experiences she grabbed onto willing with both hands; people, she avoided like a plague.

She must have made a sound, because his head snapped up and he looked directly at her. Emma’s breath caught in her throat. His eyes were vivid blue, piercing and intelligent.

“Hi,” he said, as he pocketed his phone.

“Hi,” she replied, trying not to make her reaction to him obvious. She backed towards the door, suddenly far more determined to leave his presence.

“Are you here for the group?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she nodded, still unable to make herself move away. “You?”

“I have a friend,” he replied, gesturing inside to indicate that his friend was in the same circle she had just fled. “Though I used to be in there, once upon a time.”

“Remission?”

“So they say.”

She nodded, unable to think of anything interesting to say, but still strangely unwilling to excuse herself. Perhaps it was the way he boldly looked her in the eyes, even knowing she was dying. So many people seemed afraid of her, as if cancer was catching.

“I’m still on the way out, but the drugs are holding it at bay for now,” she blurted out, and then could have cursed herself. No one liked it when she mentioned her impending death. She supposed it reminded them of their own mortality.

Killian didn’t seem to mind her ineptitude, though. He smiled gently. “Are you on any of those new experimental ones?”

“Yeah, I met the criteria for me to be in the trial.”

His expression warmed. “I’m glad.”

“What were you playing? On your phone.”

His handed patted the pocket where he had deposited the device, apparently reminding himself it was there.

“Candy Crush,” he replied. “It is so pointless and soul destroying; it feels like a perfect metaphor for life.”

Emma rolled her eyes but couldn’t stop a smile from spreading across her face. “I see. So you are actively trying to get _more_ crushing disappointment in your life.”

“Absolutely,” he returned with a wink. Emma laughed, feeling like she hadn’t done so in far too long.

A noise sounded from behind her, and suddenly people were making their way out of the building. The session was over.

She looked over at her new acquaintance. His assessing gaze was on her, and his lips quirked into a half smile.

“Killian Jones,” he said, holding out his hand.

“Emma,” she replied as she took his outstretched hand. “Emma Swan.”

“Well then, Emma,” he said as he pushed himself off the wall. “Perhaps I shall see you again next week.”

It wasn’t quite a question, but Emma felt it deserved an answer. “I hope so,” she told him.

She was surprised to find that it was the truth.

`

He was there the next week, and the one after. Emma found herself spending more time outside with him than she ever did in those sessions. What’s more, she paid attention. She hung on his every word and movement, learning about him and his life and the way he saw the world. Rather than dwelling in misery or even comfort, Killian brought her the kind of joy and excitement that had been missing in her life for a very long time.

They became friends. Phone numbers were exchanged, and quickly progressed to long, late-night phone calls. During one of those talks she told him about her dream to find her birth parents, something that she had never confessed to anyone.

`

Even though she had resisted every step of the way, it came as no surprise to her when she found herself in love with him.

Emma had never had the luxury of time. Every experience had to be jumped into with two feet and lived through quickly. So it was when she fell in love with Killian. She fell in love rapidly, recklessly, throwing caution to the wind and committing herself with abandon. There was no time for her to second guess it. Because she knew she didn’t have any.

She didn’t tell him, not at first. Things were perfect between them, and emotions made things messy. But after so long of closing herself off from the world it felt wonderful to open the shutters on her heart and let the light in.

`

He was there for her when she worsened, so badly that she had to go into hospital. He didn’t leave the entire time she was there, getting tested and treated.

He was more sombre after that. His normal exuberance for life seemed to have been leeched out of him. At first she had thought it was her fault that he was pulling away from her, as everyone else had done before him. But it didn’t seem to fit. He was looking at her more intensely than ever, just overlaid with generous helpings of melancholy.

Once Emma was home, it took her three days to convince him to tell her.

He sat on the edge of her bed and clasped her hand. “Emma, while you were in hospital, I got tested. I’m sick,” he whispered, his head lowered so she couldn’t see his expression.

“No,” she said, then again, stronger as his meaning sunk in. “ _No_.”

He left not long after to allow her time to come to terms with it, his words of comfort having done nothing to soothe her.

After avoiding love for so long, why did it have to be this man that broke down her walls?

But she knew that was a selfish thought. She loved him, and that wasn’t going to change. So, as ever, she should grasp life with both hands and appreciate every moment she had left. No matter how scared she might be.

She called him later to apologise, and she knew she didn’t imagine the relief in his voice.

`

Not long after, he surprised her with a road trip. She was worried about their failing health, but it was less than a day away. And when she found out where they were going, she knew that she couldn’t refuse.

He’d found her birth parents.

They took the trip slowly, conscious of both their limitations. They arrived at the address sometime after dinner, and Killian held her hand as she knocked on the door.

At first, she’d thought the couple that opened the door were far too young to be her parents. But once she’d explained who she was and they had hugged and cried, the two of them explained that they had practically been children themselves when she had been born. They had let her go in order to give Emma her best chance.

It was something that Emma had waited her entire life to find out.

They were devastated to hear about her illness, and Emma could help but feel bad that she had told them.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered to their agonised faces.

Her father, David, recovered first. “No, I’m glad we had this chance to meet you; to get to know you. Otherwise we would have always wondered, as I’m sure you have been doing your whole life.”

He’d put his arm around her then, and Emma made no effort to stem the tears.

She and Killian left their house late that night and found the nearest motel. The Nolan’s had offered them a spare room, but Emma couldn’t bring herself to impose. She needed time away from them, to let the experience sink in and savour.

Without even discussing it, she and Killian ordered one room with one bed. They lay there in the darkness, the soft glow from the clear moonlight the only illumination in the room.

Wordlessly, he gathered her into his arms, and she tangled their fingers together.

“How do you feel?” he asked softly.

“Relieved. Sad. Pleased. Nervous. Excited. Take your pick.” She felt him smile in the darkness.

“It was the perfect ending to that chapter.”

Emma felt tears spring to her eyes. He’d understood, as the Nolan’s hadn’t, that she likely would never see them again. The pain on both sides would be too vast.

She felt his lips against her shoulder and she turned in his arms to face him. Their lips met, softly, tenderly.

Their hands drifted and explored. With a touch, their clothes seemed to melt away. She told him with her lips and body all the things she couldn’t say aloud. He seemed to interpret her wordless messages, and returned with one of his own.

_I love you_.

`

A few weeks after that stolen night, Emma was woken by a call. It was Killian’s mother, telling her that he’d been taken in to hospital.

Emma was in his room as soon as she was allowed, holding his hand.

“Emma,” was all he said. But he smiled.

The next few weeks were the worst of her life. Killian was in and out of consciousness and awareness. She visited him as much as she could, but most of the time he looked at her and didn’t recognise her. It broke her heart anew every time.

He was fading quickly. The next time he saw her, _really_ saw her, Emma whispered the words to him that she had felt for so long and couldn’t bring herself to say.

“I love you, Killian.”

He managed a smile and squeezed her hand as much as his strength would allow. “I know,” he told her. “I’ve loved you more than anything.”

Two days later he was gone.

`

For the first few hours Emma was numb. But soon enough the dam broke and the agony ripped through her.

She couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, just cried endlessly until she was empty of tears. A crushing blackness began to descend, and she knew her own health was failing.

She just didn’t care.

Emma found herself back in hospital. She couldn’t quite recall how, but it hardly mattered. The world felt dull to her now, without his brilliant light around her.

She would fall into a restless sleep at odd hours, and every time she woke Emma expected him to be there like he had been the last time. But then she’d remember and the twisting pain in her chest would overwhelm her once again.

`

The world came back to her in snatches. The nurse, checking her vitals; a conversation with her parents; a flash of the television.

But the one thing she wanted the most wasn’t there. And he never would be.

`

One morning she awoke to find a letter on her nightstand. She never asked who left it there, because all that mattered was who had written it.

She’d reached out with trembling fingers, the tears already beginning to fall. She opened the envelope carefully, not wanting to rip it since this had been a gift from _him_ and therefore entirely precious.

She had to start a few times over, as the words kept blurring before her eyes.

_Emma,_

_I write this knowing you will one day need it._

_I’m sorry I had to leave you. I know it was your greatest fear, and it burns me to know I was just one in a long line of people that failed you._

_But I wanted you to know that you never once failed me. Every second that I was with you, that I loved you, was best thing that I had been granted in my entire life. I couldn’t have asked for anyone better, or more, because you were everything to me._

_Thank you for grieving me, but don’t let it rule you too long. The thing I loved most about you, amongst the many multitudes of things I loved, was your ability to make your life your own, despite all the people and circumstances trying to control it for you. Please don’t lose that on my account, because you deserve so much better._

_I love you, Emma Swan. And now you know I will love you as best I can for all eternity, no matter where I find myself._

_Yours forever,_

_Killian_

`

That day was the first day since it happened that Emma left her bed.


End file.
